Dealing With Grief

Just gonna warn y'all up front. This will be a tough post.

This is not going to be a light hearted post. 

I am crying as I write this. 

But I think it needs to be said. 

I am learning how to grieve. Just like everyone else. Still learning everyday things that do and don't work for my healing process. 

But before we start, let me tell you a little bit about life right now. 

My family recently endured 2 serious losses. And by serious, I mean some of the worst losses that anyone can have. 

It's hard to refer to them as losses really. Because honestly, they gained an eternity in Heaven. THANK YOU LORD

And more than that, I still feel them in my heart. I do. I really do. 

I still feel my mom so close to me. And I think that's because of the soul ties that we have. I don't necessarily feel alone. 

This is not denial. I know that she is not physically here, and I have come to accept that (it was a hard pill to swallow).

But when you have someone that you are so connected to, more so than you can even put into words, that connection does NOT just go away. Nor will it ever. I will love my mom everyday more than the day before. 

 I still pray for her and with her, and I will forever talk about her, and strive to be even half the mother that she was. 

On October 6th, 2015, we had found out that my grandpa had passed. He was my last living grandparent, and while I wasn't necessarily so close to him, I had a lot of respect and love for him. He was hilarious, he loved his family with everything in him, and he was an exceptionally hard worker. 

Even more than that, my mama and my grandpa had the kind of soul ties that her and I have. 

We knew that this would come. He was getting older, and sicker. He was 85 years old and started to have strokes. He had never had a stroke in his life, but he had one about 2 weeks before he passed. 

He was no longer able to eat with his own hands, and he was beginning to show a lot of those after signs of having a stroke. 

Just saddening to see, and you really hope that they aren't in too much pain. 

Well, he had another stroke about an hour before he passed, and due to the circumstances, we as a family really feel that he passed because he knew that it was his time. 

So he passed. 

On October 7th, 2015, just 20 hours later, my sweet mama passed. 

I believe that they were so connected that they just did not want to live without the other. So they walked into the gates of heaven together, hand in hand. 

My mama was also very sick. Sick in the way that you never want to see anyone sick. Especially the person that your soul is one with. 

Let me tell you about the time leading up to one of the worst days of my life. 

My mama was diagnosed with stage 3b breast cancer in May of 2008 (I believe. If I'm being honest, dates are pretty jumbled right now). 

Just 2 weeks before getting diagnosed, she was awarded custody of my younger sister and I. She had just saved us from the worst, most abusive man I can think of. He caused so much turmoil, that the doctors said she had this cancer because of the stress he was causing her. 

Wow. What a statement right? That's a lot in one. But my mama was the BEST woman ever. She never deserved this. Ever. But, as a single working mom of two young girls (I was 10 and my sister was 8),  she pushed through. 

I'm not going to say it didn't come with it's scares. It did. She nearly died a couple times, including a scare with salmonella that landed her in the ICU. They said if she had gotten there even 10 minutes later, she would've died because her white blood cell count was so low. 

We had almost no money (despite her having a wonderful job as a Registered Nurse, best nurse you'd ever met. She was made for that caring and brave profession).

But because of the AMAZING health care that we had through her work, she made it through. Countless chemo appointments, so much radiation, and a double mastectomy. Thank you Lord for giving me more time with my mama. 

My younger sister, me and our precious mama.

A couple of years after being in remission, I believe it was the day after my 17th birthday. She told us that the cancer had returned. And this time it was in her head. 

It had spread to a ton of other places, but the cancer spots in those areas were tiny compared to the golf ball sized one in her head. 

It was sitting on top of the brain, and wasn't the type of cancer that would go into her brain. And PRAISE THE LORD FOR THAT. 

Slowly but surely, she would become more weak. 

I would have to help her up off of the ground. 

I would be giving her pain pills to just get by without enduring intense pain.

And I can tell you, that the day I moved away came in a close second to the day she passed in the amount of tears I cried. 

I cried for days. I cried for weeks. I'd cry during class. I'd cry when I was falling asleep. I'd cry while I was in the shower, or in my dorm room alone. I'm not even a crier really. But I just could not help it. I knew it was coming. 

We talked on the phone, texted, and FaceTimed everyday (at least 30 times a day). I cannot tell you the connection I have with her. I really can't. And I wish I could express that to you.

She came to visit me while my man and I lived in Hawai'i. And those were some AMAZING memories that we made while she could still move about and have fun without thinking about the inevitable everyday. 

This may sound like a very negative post. But you have to understand. When you have been dealing with the horrific disease, and it is constantly pushed in your face every single day, it is very hard to not feel negatively about this disease. 

Don't get me wrong. We had amazing times, where cancer never even came up. We made it a point to not let it run our lives. My mama was always so positive. Her quote was 

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of it's sorrow. It empties today of it's strength".

We had that written in the spice cabinet of our home on a yellow post-it note. Looked at it every day.

One of the most special times we had was when we had a girls weekend, 2 weeks before she passed. 

My older sister, my younger sister, my 2 nieces, and I went to my mama's house. It was just us girls. And let me tell you. I shed a lot of tears on that trip. 

We walked into the house and my heart dropped. It had been the first time I'd seen her in person (not just on FaceTime everyday) and she could barely walk. She had oxygen on, and was struggling so much to keep the pain at bay. 

But she was so happy seeing us. She smiled from ear to ear. 

I slept in her bed every night. And we talked every night before going to bed. 

One night we had a heart to heart, and just cried, hand in hand. We knew it was coming soon. And it was breaking both of our hearts. 

I remember the day that I left so clearly. I obviously had to go back home sometime. I've learned that life won't stop for you even when you so badly need it to. 

She was laying in bed, and I was going to drive myself to the airport because she felt too bad to get up. I couldn't help myself. 

I said "well I think it's time to go now". But before I could even get all the words out, I was crying harder than I ever had. I flopped on the bed because I was unable to stand anymore. I cried for about 10 minutes without being able to move or speak. I was shaking. She just brushed through my hair with her fingers.

I had prayed for God not to let this be my last time to see her. I needed her. I needed my mama. I needed her to see my wedding and walk me down the aisle. I needed her to see me graduate from college. I needed her to be there with me when I was having babies. But, there's always one more thing you want them to be there for. 

And she was in so much pain. I could see it. She tried so hard not to show it, but it was there. In full force and it wasn't releasing it's grip.

My brother came and visited her 2 days later and had some time with her. 

All communication stopped with her. Not because she didn't want to, but because she was too weak to even lift her phone. 

That killed me. Absolutely killed me. To go from having her as my life line and the one my soul loved so much, to having nothing of her, even though I knew she was still there!

But she could no longer speak at all. It was too tiring for her to open her mouth. 

I saw her one last time on FaceTime. I told her I loved her so much. 

A couple days later she passed. 

That was 2 1/2 months ago.

And this Christmas will be the first one I will be spending without her here. 

My younger sister, my older sister, me, my brother, and our mama. 

I heard this quote the other day that really spoke to me. 

I cry so much, and I have no motivation to even get out of bed some days, and I constantly am beating myself up for it. I wish I was more myself right now. But I am grieving. 

That is absolutely so true. I cannot think of a better way to say it. 

I believe that I will be grieving for the rest of my life. But I think that I will learn how to cope with it. I am in the very early stages of it right now. 

But as God says, 

A Time For Everything

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh, 

a time to mourn and a time to dance...

I know I will find that balance of having a time for everything through God. He has never led me astray any other time. And he is always faithful. Always.

There will be many parts to this journey with grief. And I will be happy to be open and honest about them with you ladies.

And on that day when my strength is failing,

The end draws near and my time has come.

Still my soul will sing Your praise unending,

Ten thousand years and then forevermore. 

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

O my soul.